Dear Jane Austen,
I don't understand you that much.
I have spent my night watching two of your stories unfold on screen for the hundredth time. (Yes Jane, tonight I have been watching rather than reading.)
While sitting in the dark alone your stories have made me think.
Why must each of your stories have an element of distrust in them? Do you not think that one man is entirely honest?
Jane, I am in love, and I find that your novels are more worrisome than, say, real life.
Also, why are the bad men in your novels such charming and debonaire gentlemen? I am sick of that, lets make the bad guy the bad guy. Sure, for the sake of suspense it is nice to have the bad guy seem good and look good, and then end up being the worst. But, come on, it is getting old.
Although I have seen Becoming Jane (the movie that has been recently made about you if you were unaware), I dare say that there is much left about you that is still unknown. I don't know what love really did to you, and I only wish you lived long enough to fully disclose it.
One thing I am wondering is how do you feel about Hugh Grant as Mr. Ferrars? And also, which Mr. Darcy do you prefer, the alluring Colin Firth or the surprisingly charming Matthew Macfayden? I know there have been many examples of each characters, but I just need to know. Because I am digging all three, seriously. And Alan Rickman as Col. Brandon? Wow, Needless to say, I'm addicted to your men Austen.
Now, I know this letter is probably not on your list of things to respond to, wherever you are. I just have been thinking a lot about you.
To you I say thank you. For the impact you have had on, well, all of us, whether we acknowledge it or not.
And, I think it is safe to say, this has not been our best day Jane.
Sincerely,
Emily.
Friday, 22 January 2010
Tuesday, 24 November 2009
On Sleep.
I never want to sleep anymore.
It isn't that I'm not tired, I almost always am.
I just don't like the act of going to sleep.
I realize that when I do, I am sort of surrendering control. When I'm awake, although I waste most of my days, I do know what I am doing. Whether it is spending ridiculous amounts of time on wedding blogs, sending emails, eating, text messaging or watching the latest shows on hulu, I still have control over what I am doing.
As it is, it's 1 a.m. and I'm sitting in bed writing when I should have been asleep over an hour ago.
I miss writing, I miss down time, so I take it when I should otherwise be asleep. This is the first day in the past few weeks that I am actually in my bed with the lights off before 2, and I can't bring myself to fall asleep.
I know that in the book of Genesis even God rested. NOT because he needed it, but because he did. He showed man how to rest. He made us to need rest. I'm not sure why. But, he did.
So here I am, not resting. I am thinking, and these thoughts - about the future, where my life is going, money, what I'm doing after May - all invade my brain.
And I'm realizing, God rested because he made the world in 6 days. He rested because he created something good. He created, and I facebook, tweet and watch a movie. I don't need rest from doing something great.
Sleep is a God-given thing, but the absolute last thing that I think I deserve.
I think right now I just need to be thankful for His grace and that he is in control, even while I sleep.
That being said, I think I may just give it a try.
It isn't that I'm not tired, I almost always am.
I just don't like the act of going to sleep.
I realize that when I do, I am sort of surrendering control. When I'm awake, although I waste most of my days, I do know what I am doing. Whether it is spending ridiculous amounts of time on wedding blogs, sending emails, eating, text messaging or watching the latest shows on hulu, I still have control over what I am doing.
As it is, it's 1 a.m. and I'm sitting in bed writing when I should have been asleep over an hour ago.
I miss writing, I miss down time, so I take it when I should otherwise be asleep. This is the first day in the past few weeks that I am actually in my bed with the lights off before 2, and I can't bring myself to fall asleep.
I know that in the book of Genesis even God rested. NOT because he needed it, but because he did. He showed man how to rest. He made us to need rest. I'm not sure why. But, he did.
So here I am, not resting. I am thinking, and these thoughts - about the future, where my life is going, money, what I'm doing after May - all invade my brain.
And I'm realizing, God rested because he made the world in 6 days. He rested because he created something good. He created, and I facebook, tweet and watch a movie. I don't need rest from doing something great.
Sleep is a God-given thing, but the absolute last thing that I think I deserve.
I think right now I just need to be thankful for His grace and that he is in control, even while I sleep.
That being said, I think I may just give it a try.
Monday, 28 September 2009
What I learned about life and love from a week in the Wolverine State.
I've been putting this post off for a while now. Mainly because whenever I think about my time in Michigan I long to go back. A part of me has such a strong desire to hop on a plane, with Joshua of course, and spend the rest of my life in the magical land that is Michigan.
I'm sure if you read this, you're probably wondering what in the world is so magical or even alluring about Michigan. Well, I'll tell you.
It has been over two months since I left my favorite state, and all I want is to go back in time and soak it all in.
-It's slow paced. No one is in a rush, there isn't traffic ... ever. Everyone waves just to say hello on the highways.
-People are people there. Everyone is friendly. I couldn't imagine nicer people than the ones I met that week. I never understood why everywhere we go, Joshua always says hi to the people around him. I thought it was some sort of social anxiety, but turns out, people outside of California are much more kind than the people inside of it.
-Family. I became a part of Josh's family that week. They displayed love for each other and for me in such an amazing new way.
-God is there. God is in Michigan. He was so clearly present in Michigan. Maybe I searched harder there, maybe I prayed harder there, but whatever the case was, God was there with me. He was there in all of the Harneys. He was there when we biked around Byron Center. He was there when we took a boat across Lake Michigan. He was there when I met Grandma Lois. He was there when I stepped into lake Huron. He was there whenever I held Josh's hand. He was there.
(This is where I would love to spend the rest of my life, holding Joshua's hand.)If only I could get my mind wrapped around real life again, maybe I would remind myself that God is here too. It is so easy to see him when my life is perfect, like that week in Michigan, but back in the real world its much harder.
Josh, and the rest of his state, taught me how to love and be loved. Because of the love that I receive from him I am starting to get it. I am starting to understand that love is not a "just when I feel like it" kind of thing. Its always. Love never fails, it always perseveres. Josh is showing me what love is daily, and through that I am understanding how to be loved by a Savior.
The real world is hard. It has all of its kinks and creases.
Sometimes I just close my eyes and think about the drive up to Macinaw Island. The highways were lined with tall bright green trees and a clear blue sky. In those three hours my life seemed perfect.
Then, I open them again and remember that real love didn't just stay in Michigan. It flowed outside of its borders, into Ohio, into Wisconsin, and eventually, it made its way all the way to California.
And I am absolutely in it.
Friday, 7 August 2009
On Comfort.
On August first, myself, along with about thirty others headed up to Lake Shasta to finish up the final preparations of our annual Houseboats trip.
On August second, we decorated our boats, purchased truck loads of food, and gathered as a staff for the last quiet moments before the chaos of the kids the next day would bring.
On August third, we waited for their loud arrival. We yelled, we welcomed, we embraced hundreds of high school students. We worshiped together, prayed together, listened together, played together.
On August forth it was finally time for the fun of Houseboats to begin.
That day changed my life, and hundreds of others, forever.
Someone was missing.
Over two hundred of us prayed on a hill for a miracle.
A miracle never came.
God was there, he didn't abandon us. He didn't forget us or ignore us. But a miracle was not received that day. Now hundreds of high school students are asking the question Why?
Why God?
This trip that was supposed to transform, this trip that was supposed to bring joy, this trip that for about 15 years has gone on without even the slightest hitch was supposed to do the same this year.
God was there.
Accidents like this shouldn't happen.
I'm angry. I'm confused.
But God is here.
He is real and I trust him.
I received a text message from my cousin who had been praying for me, the staff, the family and our situation and in it she sent 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
We were being comforted so that we could comfort others in that time.
The staff stayed incredibly strong. The students leaned on us and we did not bend or break.
God was there.
My sister shared a verse with those on the trip that night.
Genesis 28:16 When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it."
Jacob was unaware that the Lord, the God of the Universe was right where he was.
That day the Lord of the Universe, the Creator of all things, was there.
That day will never be forgotten.
Jeremiah Murray will never be forgotten.
"He was either alive, and we would find him. Or he is more alive than he has ever been." These words were spoken by Jeremiahs loving father minutes before he was pronounced dead. God was there. And now Jeremiah is with him.
God was there then, and he is here now.
On August second, we decorated our boats, purchased truck loads of food, and gathered as a staff for the last quiet moments before the chaos of the kids the next day would bring.
On August third, we waited for their loud arrival. We yelled, we welcomed, we embraced hundreds of high school students. We worshiped together, prayed together, listened together, played together.
On August forth it was finally time for the fun of Houseboats to begin.
That day changed my life, and hundreds of others, forever.
Someone was missing.
Over two hundred of us prayed on a hill for a miracle.
A miracle never came.
God was there, he didn't abandon us. He didn't forget us or ignore us. But a miracle was not received that day. Now hundreds of high school students are asking the question Why?
Why God?
This trip that was supposed to transform, this trip that was supposed to bring joy, this trip that for about 15 years has gone on without even the slightest hitch was supposed to do the same this year.
God was there.
Accidents like this shouldn't happen.
I'm angry. I'm confused.
But God is here.
He is real and I trust him.
I received a text message from my cousin who had been praying for me, the staff, the family and our situation and in it she sent 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God."
We were being comforted so that we could comfort others in that time.
The staff stayed incredibly strong. The students leaned on us and we did not bend or break.
God was there.
My sister shared a verse with those on the trip that night.
Genesis 28:16 When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it."
Jacob was unaware that the Lord, the God of the Universe was right where he was.
That day the Lord of the Universe, the Creator of all things, was there.
That day will never be forgotten.
Jeremiah Murray will never be forgotten.
"He was either alive, and we would find him. Or he is more alive than he has ever been." These words were spoken by Jeremiahs loving father minutes before he was pronounced dead. God was there. And now Jeremiah is with him.
God was there then, and he is here now.
Sunday, 24 May 2009
On Inspiration.
I have been utterly inspired re-watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Throughout the movie, the continuously used phrase "Things never last" has upset me. I believe that many things last. Without getting all philosophical, a great many things last and I am so thankful for the majority of them. What I can't get over is that memories will last, and forever. I want mine to be the best.
In one point of the movie, Benjamin wrote a postcard to his daughter, and within it were the words that have made me rethink what I want the rest of my life to look like. In it he wrote:
“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
Because of this, I am ready to get started. I want this summer to be one of the best of my life, even with my incredible boyfriend being 54 days and about 2200 miles away from me. Even with three weeks of summer school before getting to spend time with my best friends at home and family. I want it to be one that I can look back fondly on, being the last before I graduate college. Therefore I am setting goals, and will not end this summer until every last one of them has been met.
Summer goals:
Watch a sunrise
Find an apartment
Finish at least two more stories
Read at least 4 books
Get a job
Adventure often
Pick up a new hobby
Sharpen my “musical” skills
Darken my sandal tan
Enter the ocean
Try coffee
Not cut my hair
Most are realistic and simple, and anything but adventurous, but this is just my preliminary list. My goals have only just begun.
In one point of the movie, Benjamin wrote a postcard to his daughter, and within it were the words that have made me rethink what I want the rest of my life to look like. In it he wrote:
“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
Because of this, I am ready to get started. I want this summer to be one of the best of my life, even with my incredible boyfriend being 54 days and about 2200 miles away from me. Even with three weeks of summer school before getting to spend time with my best friends at home and family. I want it to be one that I can look back fondly on, being the last before I graduate college. Therefore I am setting goals, and will not end this summer until every last one of them has been met.
Summer goals:
Watch a sunrise
Find an apartment
Finish at least two more stories
Read at least 4 books
Get a job
Adventure often
Pick up a new hobby
Sharpen my “musical” skills
Darken my sandal tan
Enter the ocean
Try coffee
Not cut my hair
Most are realistic and simple, and anything but adventurous, but this is just my preliminary list. My goals have only just begun.
Monday, 4 May 2009
On Being Forgiven.
I have spent the last year trying to forgive myself for so much. I know that I am beyond forgiven from the Lord. He has wiped me clean.
I just did not imagine how hard it would be for me to forgive myself.
I don't forgive myself.
I am in love with the creator of the universe, who has forgiven every one of my wrong doings, and I can't get over them myself.
The past few months, he has blessed me unbelievably, and I still cannot forget what I have done. I can't forgive myself.
January: In walks a new man in my life, Joshua. He is kind and funny. He is handsome, pure, and full of love for the Lord.
January: I forget that I am forgiven, and I condemn myself.
April: This dreamboat that the Lord has dropped off asks me to be his girlfriend, and I become that. A girlfriend. With it is something deeper than I have felt before. I am Josh's girlfriend. Josh is my boyfriend. I cannot grasp my joy within all of this.
April: I remind myself that I am a sinner, and I am so undeserving.
I am angry. Angry that I let the enemy get under my skin in this way. God is blessing me, beyond belief, and I am dwelling on my past. I am forgiven.
I am forgiven. I AM FORGIVEN.
I was reading 1 Thessalonians and came across 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 "For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
Christ died so that I would be forgiven and receive that salvation.
I should dwell in my sin, so that I do not commit it any longer, and then I should move on, for I am forgiven. I AM UNDESERVING, but He did not appoint us to suffer wrath.
He wants me to feel blessed and loved.
Today, all day, I reflected on this and was angry at myself. For everything I have done wrong, for the past, for everything that I will do wrong, and I'll probably do that wrong soon. I think that because of the wrong I've done, Josh won't want to be in my life the next day. That suddenly I'll talk to him and he'll tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. In the midst of these thoughts, my boyfriend brought me a red velvet cupcake, and the nicest card I'd ever read.
A cupcake and a card reminded me that I am forgiven.
That I am undeserving, but boy, am I blessed.
I just did not imagine how hard it would be for me to forgive myself.
I don't forgive myself.
I am in love with the creator of the universe, who has forgiven every one of my wrong doings, and I can't get over them myself.
The past few months, he has blessed me unbelievably, and I still cannot forget what I have done. I can't forgive myself.
January: In walks a new man in my life, Joshua. He is kind and funny. He is handsome, pure, and full of love for the Lord.
January: I forget that I am forgiven, and I condemn myself.
April: This dreamboat that the Lord has dropped off asks me to be his girlfriend, and I become that. A girlfriend. With it is something deeper than I have felt before. I am Josh's girlfriend. Josh is my boyfriend. I cannot grasp my joy within all of this.
April: I remind myself that I am a sinner, and I am so undeserving.
I am angry. Angry that I let the enemy get under my skin in this way. God is blessing me, beyond belief, and I am dwelling on my past. I am forgiven.
I am forgiven. I AM FORGIVEN.
I was reading 1 Thessalonians and came across 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 "For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
Christ died so that I would be forgiven and receive that salvation.
I should dwell in my sin, so that I do not commit it any longer, and then I should move on, for I am forgiven. I AM UNDESERVING, but He did not appoint us to suffer wrath.
He wants me to feel blessed and loved.
Today, all day, I reflected on this and was angry at myself. For everything I have done wrong, for the past, for everything that I will do wrong, and I'll probably do that wrong soon. I think that because of the wrong I've done, Josh won't want to be in my life the next day. That suddenly I'll talk to him and he'll tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. In the midst of these thoughts, my boyfriend brought me a red velvet cupcake, and the nicest card I'd ever read.
A cupcake and a card reminded me that I am forgiven.
That I am undeserving, but boy, am I blessed.
Wednesday, 22 April 2009
On Being Blessed.
We spent the night at St. Joseph’s
Shaking and shivering in fever
Nurses and criminals before us
I will stay here with you, my love
We sat at Lake Junaluska
And cried over where we would wed
If it’s this place or any other
It’s not where I am, it’s who I’m with
News came of a child
Born unto a world
Of people, demented and wild
I will be here for you, my love
What was our reason for fighting
Selfish and centered at best
I give up on trying
To understand why we were blessed
[St. Joseph's-The Avett Brothers]
Constantly I don't get it. I want to figure out everything.
But since I am blessed, and since I am loved, I need to accept it.
I've been listening to this song on repeat for a month, and I finally am listening to it.
I am on top of the world. Today I had one of the most frustrating days in a long time. I gave it up to the Lord and he helped guide the most wonderful guy around to help me with whatever was going on.
I'm so incredibly blessed.
I must give up on trying to understand why, and remember that I am blessed.
I was broken today. Really, truly broken. Four hours later, I am fine. I cannot express it better than this.
What was our reason for fighting
Selfish and centered at best
I give up on trying
To understand why we were blessed
Nurses and criminals before us
I will stay here with you, my love
We sat at Lake Junaluska
And cried over where we would wed
If it’s this place or any other
It’s not where I am, it’s who I’m with
News came of a child
Born unto a world
Of people, demented and wild
I will be here for you, my love
What was our reason for fighting
Selfish and centered at best
I give up on trying
To understand why we were blessed
[St. Joseph's-The Avett Brothers]
Constantly I don't get it. I want to figure out everything.
But since I am blessed, and since I am loved, I need to accept it.
I've been listening to this song on repeat for a month, and I finally am listening to it.
I am on top of the world. Today I had one of the most frustrating days in a long time. I gave it up to the Lord and he helped guide the most wonderful guy around to help me with whatever was going on.
I'm so incredibly blessed.
I must give up on trying to understand why, and remember that I am blessed.
I was broken today. Really, truly broken. Four hours later, I am fine. I cannot express it better than this.
What was our reason for fighting
Selfish and centered at best
I give up on trying
To understand why we were blessed
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