On Being Forgiven.

I have spent the last year trying to forgive myself for so much. I know that I am beyond forgiven from the Lord. He has wiped me clean.
I just did not imagine how hard it would be for me to forgive myself.
I don't forgive myself.

I am in love with the creator of the universe, who has forgiven every one of my wrong doings, and I can't get over them myself.
The past few months, he has blessed me unbelievably, and I still cannot forget what I have done. I can't forgive myself.

January: In walks a new man in my life, Joshua. He is kind and funny. He is handsome, pure, and full of love for the Lord.
January: I forget that I am forgiven, and I condemn myself.

April: This dreamboat that the Lord has dropped off asks me to be his girlfriend, and I become that. A girlfriend. With it is something deeper than I have felt before. I am Josh's girlfriend. Josh is my boyfriend. I cannot grasp my joy within all of this.
April: I remind myself that I am a sinner, and I am so undeserving.

I am angry. Angry that I let the enemy get under my skin in this way. God is blessing me, beyond belief, and I am dwelling on my past. I am forgiven.
I am forgiven. I AM FORGIVEN.

I was reading 1 Thessalonians and came across 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 "For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."
Christ died so that I would be forgiven and receive that salvation.
I should dwell in my sin, so that I do not commit it any longer, and then I should move on, for I am forgiven. I AM UNDESERVING, but He did not appoint us to suffer wrath.

He wants me to feel blessed and loved.

Today, all day, I reflected on this and was angry at myself. For everything I have done wrong, for the past, for everything that I will do wrong, and I'll probably do that wrong soon. I think that because of the wrong I've done, Josh won't want to be in my life the next day. That suddenly I'll talk to him and he'll tell me he doesn't want to be with me anymore. In the midst of these thoughts, my boyfriend brought me a red velvet cupcake, and the nicest card I'd ever read.

A cupcake and a card reminded me that I am forgiven.
That I am undeserving, but boy, am I blessed.