Guilty.

For the past few years I have felt guilty.
Convicted.
I have felt like I am a bad person, a sinner, a heartless human.
While some of that could be true, I think maybe the guilt is not right.

I feel guilty because I don't want to go to Africa.
Its not that I don't want to, I think it would be an incredible experience.
I feel guilty because I am not aching to spread the gospel to one of the areas in the world that needs it the most.
I feel guilty because I don't want to go an area of the world that has extreme spiritual warfare and an absurd amount of people living in poverty and starving families.

Its not that I don't want these people to feel Christ's love, more than anything I want that. But maybe, its that God wants me somewhere else.

I'm a college student at a Bible college where everyone talks about Africa.
Its almost as though if you have been to Africa you have a few more jewels on your heavenly crown.
I don't have the same desires as these people.
God didn't put this country as strong on my heart.
When I hear of the happenings in Africa my heart aches. I want to help, I pray.
But Africa is not on my traveling radar in the near future.

I've spent a good amount of time struggling with this. I was worried that I felt guilty because I was wrong. Because maybe I need to want to go to Africa. Maybe I need to be saving all of my money right now to travel there.

Or maybe, just maybe, God has another place on my heart.

I don't know where it is.

Some days I think it's India. Some days I think God wants me to be a prayer warrior and focus all of my prayers on the people of India.

Sometimes I'm sure it's Russia. The former Soviet Union could sure use some Christ.

Maybe it's the Middle East, a corner of the world in so much religious and governmental turmoil.

It could even be here. The United States. Maybe God has an idea for me to further the Kingdom right here in Orange County.

Maybe not.
But I don't know still.

All I know is that I am not guilty.
I should not feel guilty because I am a college aged Christian not aching to go to Africa.

My good friend has listened to me ramble on about this subject, he happened upon this quote and sent it to me.

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

Not "The place God calls you, Emily, is Africa."

The world is hungry everywhere for Christ.

The place God has called me is still up in the air.
My mission field is to be determined.
It may, in the end, be Africa.
And I will be thrilled if it is.
Because I think that country needs so much help.
And I want to help, if it is where I am called.

But until then, I pray.