On being overwhelmed.

I'm not sure that there is any other way to put it. I am overwhelmed.
And not in the good way. Not in the way where life is just wonderful and God is so good and I can't imagine life any different.
In the opposite way.
The way where I'm not sure what to do and I'm not sure how to get through every single day.
I've spent a year in this altered state of myself.
I've spent the last five months trying to feel normal, trying to remember what it is like to just wake up and feel ok.

I've tried a lot of things.
Obviously not the right things, or they would be working.

Right now work has taken over every aspect of my life. I'm either working, interning or thinking about work or my internship.
I want to leave work at work.
And have a life.

I want to spend a day in the sun and not worry that I'm going to get called in to switch shifts with someone or because I forgot to send an e-mail.

I am fully aware that all of this comes with growing up. But when everytime I turn on a computer, not even mine because mine refuses to turn on, all I can think about it the fact that I know I have at least two e-mails sitting in an inbox from a professor telling me he lost another of my projects, it takes everything inside of me not to explode.

A friend came in from out of town this week. And I forgot how to be myself. I forgot how to be regular and socialize because I haven't had any need to do so in so long.

This year has changed almost everything about who I am, and I'm not sure that I'm alright with that.

I'm not sure that I'm alright with not knowing how I'm going to feel everyday. Not knowing what I'm going to dream about.

I'm ready for even one day to feel underwhelmed.
Or just whelmed?

I'd love to feel like I just accomplished something. Like I just graduated college and am in a great time in my life. Instead I keep worrying about what is next. Worrying about when I can stop driving two hours a day to work at a job that gives me anxiety the whole time I'm there.

Last summer feels like a figment of my imagination.
I want to sit on a porch and drink Arnold Palmers.
I want to lay by a pool and get a sunburn.
I want to pick up my camera and see art.

I want to get out of this permanent funk.
I am not good with being overwhelmed.