In the hallway

I have never felt this way before.
It actually scares me.
I know that I am surrounded in prayer and love.
But I don't want to be strong.
I don't want to hear that I am strong.

I don't want to have to be.
I have spent the past year feeling secure and hopeful, and suddenly unbeknownst to me, everything is lost.
I had no idea that I wasn't happy.
It's an interesting thing, being told you are unhappy and something will fix it, when in fact the one thing that makes you happy is done with you.
It's an interesting feeling, knowing that there is nothing in the world that you can do to reverse the situation, but not knowing where to go from there.

My eyes have never hurt so bad.
I have never felt so emotionally exhausted.
I feel so broken and pitiful and alone.
I feel so desperate.

I hate writing things like this and posting it somewhere, but I don't know what else to do.
I don't know where to go.

This afternoon my sister prayed with me on the phone.
"We know that when you close a door, God, you open another one, but I pray you hold Emily between those doors, hold her in the hallway, God," she prayed as she cried for me over the phone.

So that's where I am.
In the hallway.
I don't want to walk toward the other door, I am pounding on the one that closed to let me back in.
I am screaming and yelling to whoever will hear to open the door.
I will miss every single thing about the first room.
But a decision has been made, and this decision won't be unmade.

That door is going to stay closed.
And I'm going to sit next to it and pray next to it and cry next to it.
I am going to keep trying to open that door.
But I am going to sit in the hallway in the mean time.

I can't imagine going into the next room.
I don't want to even think about it, ever.

That other room can't give me what the first one did.

But I was made for relationships.
God created me this way.
God created us all for relationships.

Maybe some more than others.

But this door didn't close for me.
It closed on its own.

There isn't a lot of peace in the hallway.